Perfectionist no more

last year could perhaps be considered a low point in my life. altho' no drama, there's an overwhelming sense of losing control over two very important things in my life.

that turns out to be therapeutic for me.

i suppose my desire to have control over things and my having a false expectation of a perfect self were related. i was first called a "perfectionist" in high school. i heard the term over and over again but never quite understood what it meant until recently. i was taken aback when i read a list of false, unrealistic assumptions of the self that a perfectionist holds and how some of them match my "world-view"!

1. i should be liked /approved of /loved by everybody, especially those i consider important to me.
   
2. i ought to be able to do anything/ everything well -- if i can't, it is better not to do it at all or to wait until i can.
   
3. it is my responsibility to right the wrongs of the world/ solve its problems / correct all injustices.¹
   ...
   

no wonder i felt so exhausted. it's good to get rid of some lies and false assumptions as one grows old. God's pretty humorous to pull me in to teach a course 2 days before the quarter began - just imagine how "out of control" things must have been and how imperfect my teaching was. well, i was able to not go crazy and laugh about it.

it's also comforting to know that there's Someone who's always in control.

"洪水氾濫之時、耶和華坐著為王．耶和華坐著為王、直到永遠"。

詩篇 29:10

"The Lord sits enthroned over the flood; the Lord is enthroned as King forever."

Ps. 29:10

¹ David A Seamands, Redeeming the Past. Victor, 2002.