dealing with alzheimer

I put on my navy-blue sleeveless top before heading to mom's home Sunday morning. Sleeveless top was a mistake.

Instead of asking me repeatedly where I live, mom asked, "Aren't you cold? You should put on your sweater." I replied in my normal tone of voice, "No, I'm not. I feel fine." In less than a couple minutes, she asked again, "Aren't you cold? You should put on your sweater." I felt a little annoyed, but I tried to control my impatience, knowing it's the alzheimer that affects her short-term memory. "No," I replied curtly. The cycle didn't end. She asked again, and again, and again, until I lost it. Of course I know she said it out of concern. Yet, my faculty to reason lost to my reflex and temper.

Mom was cleaning the dishes after lunch. I let her so that I could observe how much she's still able to do. In the midst of the chore, she forgot about the dirty dishes and thought she was washing up. As a result, she wiped her face (several times) with the towel that's used to clean the counter top. I tried to stop her by telling her that it's the wrong towel. Well, she talked back and said, "it's MY towel." Perhaps she mistook that I was admonishing her of using the wrong towel. I couldn't stop her. I couldn't tell from what ran through my mind: perhaps feeling sad that her condition deteriorates, perhaps feeling rejected that she didn't realize I was trying to help, or perhaps finding it hilarious that she just mixed everything up. And I wasn't able to laugh at anything.

Mom called me 姐姐 twice. I know I shouldn't have gotten upset but I did, twice.
"Did you just call me 姐姐?" I asked harshly.
"No, I did not," mom said.
"Do you know who I am?" I wouldn't stop.
"Who are you?"
"You can call me Grace, or 恩, or your daughter. I'm not your 姐姐." Mom repeated my name.

Was it a slip of tongue or was she not able to recognize me? I didn't know how to react right on the spot besides getting upset.

Now that I have time to think, I can remember. It was a long time ago, 10 years ago perhaps, mom would ask, "who are you?" as a response to my "hello mom" when I phoned home. She couldn't recognize my voice from very early on and I had no idea that might be alzheimer talking. I was furious that a mom wouldn't recognize her daughter's voice.

Sunday's visit was a lousy one. I didn't like what I saw. I didn't like how I responded. I'm seeing her tomorrow. Hopefully, prayerfully, I will do a better job. Well, tomorrow is going to be easier because the home aide is there. Upcoming Sunday's visit is the bigger challenge, as I have no one to turn to.

Definitely no wearing sleeveless.