Love does not seek its own

I have thought for some time that the popular ideology of self-actualization, self-fulfillment, self-realization, self-satisfaction doesn't square with the self-denying ideology preached by Jesus, but couldn't articulate what exactly the problem is let alone figuring out the solution.

Self-actualization is ALWAYS what drives me forward. As Smedes wrote, "We feel at our moral best precisely when we strive to become more of our better self than we are. And when we feel we have attained a glimmer of our best self, we think of it as a gift of God. How deep is this need! How strong is this drive! How tragic when we lose it and come to terms too soon with the self we usually are."

What then is the problem? Reading Smedes's chapter on "Love does not seek its own self" proves to be a paradigm shift for me; or, to be precise, my mental center of gravity moved as I held my breath & read on:

The source of all the evils connected with self-seeking is that we turn our ideal self into an idol and expect other people to dance around it...We exploit people and push them around...flatter them, put them down. Whether crudely or with artistic finesse, we treat them as replaceable supports for the ego we are trying to build into a self. This is the poison that so easily gets into all erotic love; we love others only so that they will be acolytes at the altar of our divinized self.

The image of the self that is sought as the idol of ultimate devotion takes on different and changing forms. The ideal self of immature people is a fabric woven of fads nd fancies. For others, more mature and yet not fully developed, the ideal is the productive self. For others, it is a mixture of the noble, wise, humane saint and the earthy, happy sinner. For still others, the model is Jesus of Nazareth....

Many people combine a kind of self-denial with self-worship. Self-denial of this sort says No only to things; it is really self-discipline. We exercise even if we hate doing it; we do not smoke; we turn down the rich food we love to eat; we deny ourselves for the sake of a healthy body... All these sorts of denials have in common that they are disciplines, not self-denials. They are denials of things, not a denial of the self. Their spiritual value depends wholly on one question: are they for the self as an end, or for the self as a means of love?

Love is the divine force that moves us to make the neighbor our center of concern, drives us toward him without demanding a reward. Love does not put the self on center stage and ask the world around to applaud. Love does not praise a neighbor only to get praise in return. Love does not strive to become the better self merely to enjoy the excitement of being a splendid person. Love lifts our sights beyond the ideal self we are seeking. For this reason, not even our ideal self is our god, the goal of our life's quest. Hence, love cannot be self-seeking unless the self being sought is pre-registered as an agent of love (pp.50-51).

It's like he's writing about me, and says that's wrong! Good thing, this is not the end of the chapter. Smedes explains agapic love liberates one from self-seeking. Can quote everything here. You got to read the book yourself. (I'm going to buy it. The copy I have now is from a library.)