a bit shaken

I have a copy of C.S. Lewis The Four Loves for many years, and I have tried to read through it several times without success. In a sense some of the concept seems even more difficult than those in Mere Christianity.

Last night I was able to read up to chapter two. The moment I began to understand Lewis' distinction of "Nearness (to God)-by-Likeness" and "Nearness-of-Approach," I started feeling the shake.

To be cont'd.

a mother-like figure, almost

Something happened a few days ago that brings to mind a prayer that I said about several years ago. God has answered that prayer by putting around me a mother-like figure--well, almost a mother-like figure-- who cares for me enough to admonish me of my wrong doings.

Someone said this: if you do something wrong and if nobody says anything to you, then you're in a very bad place. I'm not in a very bad place.

LORD, teach me to pray

Father, hallowed be your name.

~Luke 11:2 (ESV)

my ambition

I wanted to write this entry at the last day of 2010 but didn't make it. The CNY's eve serves as my second chance to remember what God has taught me about my ambition during the past year.

There was a vague sense of un-fulfillment about life that's nagging me. Before going to the fellowship retreat in May last year, I made an effort to crystalize the question so that I could address it to God during the retreat. (Sometimes one could be too lost to know how to ask God the right question). I got ready for God's answer.

During one of the sermons, Pastor Loong, our retreat speaker, looked at the lineage from Cain (Gen. 4:17-22) and that from Seth (Gen. 5), and he asked which lineage we wanted to choose. These descriptions of Cain's descendants from Genesis 4:17-22, "[Jabal] was the father of those who live in tents and raise livestock. His brother's name was Jubal; he was the father of all who play the harp and flute. Zillah also had a son, Tubal-Cain, who forged all kinds of tools out of bronze and iron," appealed to me, as the names were associated with the history of human civilization. How wonderful would it be if I made a name in history by achieving something as significant as Jabal, Jubal, or Tubal-Cain. And yet, they didn't walk with God. "Does it matter that I made history if I didn't walk with God?" That seemed to be how God responded to my question. The message was difficult for me to take, as I understood that means I might not become successful the way that I had hoped.

Then came July, the Anhui trip. During the trip, I read a good amount of Dave Harvey's Rescuing Ambition, which further convicted me of having rooted my ambition in the wrong place. I didn't have much ambition to begin with. Now it's saying however small it was, it's corrupted because my agenda was corrupted. The little that I wanted to build ... would not take place. My ambition needed a root canal; and I, a complete make-over.

Of the curriculum of the Anhui English camp, every teacher took turn to give our "testimony" during the daily assembly. One of our teachers, Lily, talked about how her grandfather made a name in the history book as a political, revolutionary figure. Yet, Lily said she didn't even know about the historical event and his grandfather's involvement until she read it by chance. "What's really important in life? Is it this kind of achievement that people forget in less than 3 generations?" Lily asked the students. I was very touched by Lily's message. What I had in mind about success is not such a grand plan at all. God knows what's better, best for me. I can't possibly plan my success better than just following God's will, his plan. Why am I fussing over things? God has it all figured out already. Why can't I just relax and follow his lead?

I'm a slow learner. God is still reminding me the gap between His ambition and my ambition even last week through Chris's dad. What if the kind of success I have in mind, making a name in history, counts for nothing in God's eyes? What if what matters to me actually worths nothing? Do I trust that God really knows what is best for me and my life? I'll now be starting from scratch to find a purpose, to build an ambition that's God-centered and that would be fulfilling.

chris's dad

Over 70 years old, Chris' dad is a 2-year-old Christian. He got baptized last year, read the entire Bible once, listened to the audio Bible once, and recently suggested to his daughter to start worship at home. I asked him how he felt since he had became a Christian. This 70 year old man said now his life has a purpose. I then asked him what his purpose in life is. "To do the will of God," he said. He continued, "Before I knew God, going through life was like a guessing game (碰碰撞撞). Now it doesn't have to be like that anymore because God will lead me." I was blessed by him.

bible study in a vacuum? tsk...

I suppose everyone knows the fact that we're deeply influenced and shaped by cultures--whether the cultures were "caught" or "taught" (termed used by Francis Schaeffer). I'm not sure that every Christian realizes that fact, however. Some Christians (myself included) are not aware of the influence nor think it's relevant enough to spend time to identify our presuppositions, let alone where they came from, dismissing cultures as having little to do with living a Christ-centered life. It's like studying the Word of God, and then apply it in a vacuum.

This caught my eye:

In the past decade, we have been transitioning from a “feminist” to a “post-feminist” era. What’s the difference between the two? In the feminist era, feminist ideas were being developed—now they are fully formed. In the feminist era they were touted by philosophers and academics—now they are spouted by everyone. In the feminist era, the ideas were radical—now they are commonplace. In the feminist era, feminist ideas were pushed to be accepted—now they have been integrated. In the feminist era, feminist ideas were identifiable—now they are indistinguishable from mainstream thought.

~http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2011/01/24/mary-kassian-on-the-church-in-a-post-feminist-world/

I got from the comment section of the above blog entry an audio link, Carolyn McCulley's "Radical Womanhood" workshop message during the NEXT 2009 conference. I listened to it. It's about an hour long, tracing the history of the three waves of feminism and where the ideologies deviates from the Biblical perspective. "The power of woman when she strives not to compete with a man..." What McCulley said in the last several minutes of the clip struck a chord in me.

I still remembered a lady giving her testimony at a local church in San Diego. (I was studying and living in San Diego, which would mean 20+years ago.) She mentioned "wanting to compete" being a bad thing, or a sin, and she quoted a Bible verse. I didn't understand it. Yet, I clearly remember this novel point that "competing with one another" is not a good thing. I still don't fully understand it.

Not that studying these other stuffs should replace studying the Bible, but then the former shouldn't be treated as a distraction from doing the more important Bible Study. It's time to resume some heavy-duty reading of these other stuffs.

what a treat

The entire fellowship prayed for me and my needs last night during the "Pray and Share" meeting, as they have started to pray for each fellowship officer, one at a time. Felt so special!

紛亂 ... in progress

lost
生命
動力
應許
豐盛
指引
神
亞伯拉罕、以撒、路得、甚至羅得、夏甲
。。。

unplug 拔掉…電源

生活有點紛亂，要減少上網時間，拔掉 WiFi 的電源.

call me

Pastor Chris looked at Matthew 14:22-33 with us yesterday. The passage records the incident that Jesus walked on water. One of the points that particularly touches me is that out of all the disciples, Peter was the one who asked Jesus to let him also walk on water. Peter took the initiative and didn't wait passively to be "called." He saw Jesus doing something and we could almost hear him say, "Can I do that, too, Jesus?"

Often times we wait and see if God calls us to do something. Yet, Peter in the story took another approach and asked for the opportunity.

Call me, Jesus, call me.