my ambition

I wanted to write this entry at the last day of 2010 but didn't make it. The CNY's eve serves as my second chance to remember what God has taught me about my ambition during the past year.

There was a vague sense of un-fulfillment about life that's nagging me. Before going to the fellowship retreat in May last year, I made an effort to crystalize the question so that I could address it to God during the retreat. (Sometimes one could be too lost to know how to ask God the right question). I got ready for God's answer.

During one of the sermons, Pastor Loong, our retreat speaker, looked at the lineage from Cain (Gen. 4:17-22) and that from Seth (Gen. 5), and he asked which lineage we wanted to choose. These descriptions of Cain's descendants from Genesis 4:17-22, "[Jabal] was the father of those who live in tents and raise livestock. His brother's name was Jubal; he was the father of all who play the harp and flute. Zillah also had a son, Tubal-Cain, who forged all kinds of tools out of bronze and iron," appealed to me, as the names were associated with the history of human civilization. How wonderful would it be if I made a name in history by achieving something as significant as Jabal, Jubal, or Tubal-Cain. And yet, they didn't walk with God. "Does it matter that I made history if I didn't walk with God?" That seemed to be how God responded to my question. The message was difficult for me to take, as I understood that means I might not become successful the way that I had hoped.

Then came July, the Anhui trip. During the trip, I read a good amount of Dave Harvey's Rescuing Ambition, which further convicted me of having rooted my ambition in the wrong place. I didn't have much ambition to begin with. Now it's saying however small it was, it's corrupted because my agenda was corrupted. The little that I wanted to build ... would not take place. My ambition needed a root canal; and I, a complete make-over.

Of the curriculum of the Anhui English camp, every teacher took turn to give our "testimony" during the daily assembly. One of our teachers, Lily, talked about how her grandfather made a name in the history book as a political, revolutionary figure. Yet, Lily said she didn't even know about the historical event and his grandfather's involvement until she read it by chance. "What's really important in life? Is it this kind of achievement that people forget in less than 3 generations?" Lily asked the students. I was very touched by Lily's message. What I had in mind about success is not such a grand plan at all. God knows what's better, best for me. I can't possibly plan my success better than just following God's will, his plan. Why am I fussing over things? God has it all figured out already. Why can't I just relax and follow his lead?

I'm a slow learner. God is still reminding me the gap between His ambition and my ambition even last week through Chris's dad. What if the kind of success I have in mind, making a name in history, counts for nothing in God's eyes? What if what matters to me actually worths nothing? Do I trust that God really knows what is best for me and my life? I'll now be starting from scratch to find a purpose, to build an ambition that's God-centered and that would be fulfilling.